Kath...

A few months ago I experienced something so devastating, so traumatically sad...
I thought about posting something but I couldn't find the words to say how I was feeling... I suppose I still find it hard but I just really want to try.
I got to know the sweetest 11 year old girl.. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, mature beyond her years..She had a rough past, dad left when she was born, mom died when she was four. And was adopted by her cousin..She considered him a father someone who truly loved her. She came to camp, and everyone instantly noticed her..All the counselors knew who she was, and so did the boys.... She also reflected Jesus Christ, which made her even more beautiful.
The week before she left she baked our group cookies...She told me I was her second favorite counselor next to Skipper. We cut up over "Old Gregg" and played pig in a poke with Piper's group by the Gazebo.. That Friday she was my Camper of the Week..She was a leader and showed all the character values..Especially faith. The verse I remember her saying was " Trust in the Lord and He will make your paths straight"
Monday was a normal day, a little hotter than the previous week but normal.. Tuesday the same, except without Katherine..I thought she was sick or something..Wednesday still not there and all the counselors were acting funny and nobody was talking to me. Until I asked what was going on......
The response was something I will never forget.
"Katherine died last night....She was murdered"
I immediately fell to my knees and wept bitterly........
How could something like that happen..Why her?What happened? Who did it?
Too many questions with no answers....My heart ached as if it were my own child.
I knew she was a believer and yet I couldn't grasp my mind over the fact that she was gone.. It was a dream I wanted to wake up from.....

It's been 4 months since her death.. And slowly more things are being revealed about her death..More things that become harder to grasp..More questions, more prayer..
I can't stop thinking about it......

I think I say this in almost every intro.. But it's been a while.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what I'm gonna do.
For instance.. Interpreting/Signing. I thought about how I would love to do it and how I've got a lot of experience in different areas. Like the hospital, camps, church..
And I know I can do it and I love helping the Deaf now, and I'm not even an interpreter. Like when I'm out with some friends at a restaurant and I see someone who is Deaf..I just want to go and talk to them and almost let them know that there is someone else there who can sign. I dunno I know it sounds cheesy but recently I've seen a deaf couple almost every time I've gone to a restaurant. So yeah that is what I've been thinking about lately.. Is what to do about a job and if I am going back to school..

But I need to pray about it and not worry.. Thats been another thing that I've been trying to conquer. Worrying. It's a devious tactic to try and distract one from relying on God and His promises. And yeah so I've gotta keep striving to be one in the Spirit so that I can know what God is leading me to do and not what Vickie is wanting to do.

Well I'm not quite sure if others read this anymore but umm yeah if so, Have a great day!

Junk

Hmm...it's been a long time. So many feelings and questions and just a whole bunch of junk. I think I've said this before, but I usually start to post and then I never finish. I think I don't finish them because I'm almost afraid in many ways to post them. Fear....I hate it. I mean it can be good, like in a respectful sort of way..But not the way I feel when I see certain people, go to Ohio, or even posting blogs.
Fear disrupted my life, for such a huge part of my life. I've struggled with it ever since I was a child. For example the word 'NO' .. I feared that answer, so I would never ask for anything in fear of that response. Crazy? Maybe so..But for the last year or so I feared many people, a state, a town/city... I feared seeing people that I might know, so much that it made me physically ill. Physically ill? You ask. Nausea, migraines, lack of appetite...just to list a few. It made me realize how much I needed to depend on Christ for strength because I had nothing but fear. Fear, Merriam-Webster defines it in the verb tense to be afraid of:to expect with alarm or to be apprehensive...
Hmm..I felt that way. Non-stop. Everywhere I went.

God is amazing.
So I'm just venting. Nothing too important, just stuff; junk.
Well, I'm off to Ohio Saturday morning to go visit my grandmother.
Please pray for her, she's...Feeling really down and is recovering from surgery.
Philippians 4:6-7

Double-Mindedness

The last couple of Tuesday nights Ron has been teaching on the double-minded believer..Someone requested this study based on doubt in their spiritual life. Once again, we're back in James (which has become a favorite of mine)...James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom,let him ask of God, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith,with no doubting,for the one who doubts is like a wave tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man,unstable in all his ways.

As we've been going through this study it made me realize how much I've been double-minded;unstable in my life... Just in ways where I get so stressed out and I think that I can handle all the things going on in my life and not letting God do the work. It's like I'm saying "Sorry Lord, but you can't handle what I'm dealing with" ...And I doubt what he is obviously capable of doing. Or I doubt myself...I go from the New Man thinking of, "I am a marvelous and perfectly made child of God" , to old man thinking.."Wow, I suck.. Why would God ever want to use me again?" And I see what James means..It's not just doubting God but it's doubting yourself in God's plan. He's already made out the plan, and I'm doubting him in using me because I'm doubting myself. And yet Father still chose me... Certainly not because of my failures. ANOTHER key point..God doesn't see our failures..Amazing. But he chooses me because he sees my potential of faith...My potential of faith.
He sees that potential and he chooses me..Who am I gonna choose? Choose to depend on me? Or choose to depend,trust, and not doubt in HIM?
I continue to pray that I choose Him in every area of my life..and choose to be single-minded, not double-minded.