Transformed

Recently I've been feeling a sense of aching in my soul. I need a reawakening in my life with the Lord.
I put Him on the back burner so much and yet He graciously takes me back everytime I come crawling back.
Even within the last 48 hours I've been praying for a reconstruction in my soul.. For everything. I've got messed up beliefs that aren't true, and ones that are buried from long ago, and ones that I've learned from a non believing family. Things that so badly need to be torn down an replaced with the promises of God. So many things that really need to change, and I need to totally submit myself to the work of the Spirit.. And it's going to be a moment by moment thing and it's gonna take effort and it's gonna be hard.. But I need Him so much.
I was reading today, in Galatians, and how much Paul was soo frustrated with them.. and I got to thinking if I knew Paul, he would call me foolish everyday. He would probably be frustrated with me more often then them...
It's not like I'm struggling with what they were doing, like following the law or getting circumcised or anything.....
It's old man beliefs and acting on those instead of choosing to walk in the Spirit...
So I'm praying that I be transformed by the renewing of my mind, so I can know the Fathers will.. Cuz His is so perfect and mine is soo not...

Grandma

I'm writing right now, when I should be getting ready.. But I couldn't help to write.
Have you ever prayed 'Father, not yet.. Don't take them just yet.'
I guess that's what I've been feeling lately about my grandmother... I guess because she's had 2 surgeries in the past 6 months and her heart isn't as young as it used to be. And I miss being able to spend time with her... I know it was my choice to move to Birmingham, and I know this is where the Lord has put me, but I still miss the closeness of my family.
This is not a new feeling.. It's been more prominent here recently with my grandmothers surgery... I don't know what the Lords plan is for her life or when he'll take her home...I just pray that he'll let me be there with her up until He calls her home..
She's not deathly ill, she's just getting older and it makes me sad. And that is totally a part of life and yet with her I'm having a hard time coming to terms with that..ha. It's like I want her life to freeze for a little while until I'm her age and we can grow old and die together.. haha..
I know it's selfish against the plan of God... I just want to be prepared when the time comes.
Ahh. Anywho.. I'm rambling on and on..
I'm going to stay with her for a few days. Maybe play some Phase 10, Racko.. The usual =) I'm excited.

Once again I am writing while I am sick..
I know in the past I've written about how truly horrible it is being sick
but being Vickie Leber and being sick is even worse.
I wrote before about how I do become whiny and mope around.. As I've gotten older
I don't mope around or get whiny all by my lonesome.. I immediately become
whiny and even cry when I get around people! I noticed that this morning when
I got up and saw David and became all whiny and started crying about how bad I felt..
And I know I can look at it and see that I wanted some sympathy and I want to show
how I feel on the inside.. It just makes me laugh that I do that.. But I did better after I realized I did that, I quit whining and just braced what was going to be laid before me..
What laid before me today was not fun in any way.. I started off this morning feeling awful; headache/sinus pressure and NAUSEA! So I thought I would continue and take a shower and I would eventually feel better as I got ready for work.. Nope while in the shower I honestly thought I was going to get 'ill' .. So I tried calling everyone from work to get a substitute for my class...Ugh that took a lot out of me, more than I expected.. But all in all I got it all worked out and I stayed home today and kept my face in the ceramic bowl . =)
It wasn't fun.. But what was fun was thinking about how much fun work would have been today, had I felt better..
I love those kids. They say the most hilarious things! Sky (the other teacher) and I quote those kids all the time...
I did miss them today. I wish I hadn't gotten sick. God has blessed me with a great job and those kids =)
Ahh I think I'm feeling better.

Starting up

Last night I attempted at posting again.... it was horrible.
I've lost the "edge" of what to write. I used to have more entertaining things to write about; funny things that would happen.. I guess there are still those funny moments, I guess I don't think about writing them anymore...Ahh well..

Today I started our Chaplaincy school at our church.. I am really pumped about it. I know I haven't always been excited about school, but learning about the Word of God and everything that comes with it is truly intriguing. So I am excited to learn and see what God has in store for me. Pnuemetology and Speech are the two classes I am taking and so far Speech is gonna be a challenge.. Just learning how to quit saying "Um" and "Ya know" when I am talking, so that'll be fun.
Pnuemetology will be fun, learning about the Holy Spirit and all it contains...
So now I might have some interesting things to post about, what I'm learning and how it will play out in my spiritual life.

...Well I'm brain farting on what to write... Gotta have something entertaining again. =)

Kath...

A few months ago I experienced something so devastating, so traumatically sad...
I thought about posting something but I couldn't find the words to say how I was feeling... I suppose I still find it hard but I just really want to try.
I got to know the sweetest 11 year old girl.. She had long blonde hair, blue eyes, mature beyond her years..She had a rough past, dad left when she was born, mom died when she was four. And was adopted by her cousin..She considered him a father someone who truly loved her. She came to camp, and everyone instantly noticed her..All the counselors knew who she was, and so did the boys.... She also reflected Jesus Christ, which made her even more beautiful.
The week before she left she baked our group cookies...She told me I was her second favorite counselor next to Skipper. We cut up over "Old Gregg" and played pig in a poke with Piper's group by the Gazebo.. That Friday she was my Camper of the Week..She was a leader and showed all the character values..Especially faith. The verse I remember her saying was " Trust in the Lord and He will make your paths straight"
Monday was a normal day, a little hotter than the previous week but normal.. Tuesday the same, except without Katherine..I thought she was sick or something..Wednesday still not there and all the counselors were acting funny and nobody was talking to me. Until I asked what was going on......
The response was something I will never forget.
"Katherine died last night....She was murdered"
I immediately fell to my knees and wept bitterly........
How could something like that happen..Why her?What happened? Who did it?
Too many questions with no answers....My heart ached as if it were my own child.
I knew she was a believer and yet I couldn't grasp my mind over the fact that she was gone.. It was a dream I wanted to wake up from.....

It's been 4 months since her death.. And slowly more things are being revealed about her death..More things that become harder to grasp..More questions, more prayer..
I can't stop thinking about it......

I think I say this in almost every intro.. But it's been a while.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what I'm gonna do.
For instance.. Interpreting/Signing. I thought about how I would love to do it and how I've got a lot of experience in different areas. Like the hospital, camps, church..
And I know I can do it and I love helping the Deaf now, and I'm not even an interpreter. Like when I'm out with some friends at a restaurant and I see someone who is Deaf..I just want to go and talk to them and almost let them know that there is someone else there who can sign. I dunno I know it sounds cheesy but recently I've seen a deaf couple almost every time I've gone to a restaurant. So yeah that is what I've been thinking about lately.. Is what to do about a job and if I am going back to school..

But I need to pray about it and not worry.. Thats been another thing that I've been trying to conquer. Worrying. It's a devious tactic to try and distract one from relying on God and His promises. And yeah so I've gotta keep striving to be one in the Spirit so that I can know what God is leading me to do and not what Vickie is wanting to do.

Well I'm not quite sure if others read this anymore but umm yeah if so, Have a great day!

Junk

Hmm...it's been a long time. So many feelings and questions and just a whole bunch of junk. I think I've said this before, but I usually start to post and then I never finish. I think I don't finish them because I'm almost afraid in many ways to post them. Fear....I hate it. I mean it can be good, like in a respectful sort of way..But not the way I feel when I see certain people, go to Ohio, or even posting blogs.
Fear disrupted my life, for such a huge part of my life. I've struggled with it ever since I was a child. For example the word 'NO' .. I feared that answer, so I would never ask for anything in fear of that response. Crazy? Maybe so..But for the last year or so I feared many people, a state, a town/city... I feared seeing people that I might know, so much that it made me physically ill. Physically ill? You ask. Nausea, migraines, lack of appetite...just to list a few. It made me realize how much I needed to depend on Christ for strength because I had nothing but fear. Fear, Merriam-Webster defines it in the verb tense to be afraid of:to expect with alarm or to be apprehensive...
Hmm..I felt that way. Non-stop. Everywhere I went.

God is amazing.
So I'm just venting. Nothing too important, just stuff; junk.
Well, I'm off to Ohio Saturday morning to go visit my grandmother.
Please pray for her, she's...Feeling really down and is recovering from surgery.
Philippians 4:6-7

Double-Mindedness

The last couple of Tuesday nights Ron has been teaching on the double-minded believer..Someone requested this study based on doubt in their spiritual life. Once again, we're back in James (which has become a favorite of mine)...James 1:5-8

If any of you lacks wisdom,let him ask of God, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith,with no doubting,for the one who doubts is like a wave tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man,unstable in all his ways.

As we've been going through this study it made me realize how much I've been double-minded;unstable in my life... Just in ways where I get so stressed out and I think that I can handle all the things going on in my life and not letting God do the work. It's like I'm saying "Sorry Lord, but you can't handle what I'm dealing with" ...And I doubt what he is obviously capable of doing. Or I doubt myself...I go from the New Man thinking of, "I am a marvelous and perfectly made child of God" , to old man thinking.."Wow, I suck.. Why would God ever want to use me again?" And I see what James means..It's not just doubting God but it's doubting yourself in God's plan. He's already made out the plan, and I'm doubting him in using me because I'm doubting myself. And yet Father still chose me... Certainly not because of my failures. ANOTHER key point..God doesn't see our failures..Amazing. But he chooses me because he sees my potential of faith...My potential of faith.
He sees that potential and he chooses me..Who am I gonna choose? Choose to depend on me? Or choose to depend,trust, and not doubt in HIM?
I continue to pray that I choose Him in every area of my life..and choose to be single-minded, not double-minded.

New

-This was an old post from December 21st.. That I didn't finish or post..Figured I would post it.

[Many a times I've tried posting..and I get half way through and I pitch the whole thing.. Like ehhh...no good. Tonight I reeaaaallly felt like writing/typing whatever.
I dreaded today's work day, as I do all work days..But to wake up and pray first thing in the morning for the day, just makes all the "dreading" fade away. I knew today that I was gonna be sitting, for the majority of the day..And so that is why I brought a book, a very great book indeed. I spent most of my so-called work day, reading. Mind you, that I was warned ahead of time that I should bring a book to read because it was going to be an easy day. Anyhow, I read the Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom...and it was....great. Now I haven't finished it, but I am more the half way through the book. But I spent all day reading it.
She did such wonderful things, for the Lord. His strength was perfected ,in every way, in her weakness.. While I was reading one thing that she said I had to write it down..
"Lord Jesus, I offer myself to Your people. In anyway. Any place. Any time." ]

-So I wanted to write something about the New Year..and I'm not sure what to expect in the New Year..I didn't expect a lot of things to happen last year, so I guess anything goes.. But like Corrie ten Boom, I want to give everything to my Lord Jesus.. Everything. and give Him to everyone.

James

It's like I've read the book of James many times..but every time I read through it the Lord shows me something new. Like James 1:22
"Do not merely listen to the word.....Do what it says."
Umm..HELLO! Wow..don't just listen to it and acknowledge it..Do what it says.. It's a command..Not a statement. Recently in my life I've just been acknowledging it and not doing what it says. Going back to Philippians 4:6-7...Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication let all requests be known to God and the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds.
Once again..Reading that verse and being able to let everything be given to God..and that peace that surpasses ALL understanding will guard my heart and mind...Man, it blows my mind..The Word tells me that I can't worry and be anxious, I've got to give it to Him. Give it ALL to Him...not just 85% on or 99.9%..100% giving it all to Him.
Now I'm just sorting stuff out in my head and I'm rambling and repeating myself.
But the Lord is amazing. Merciful and gracious, loving and just.
So really thats what God has put on my heart..To not worry and to keep my eyes fixed on him (Heb 12:2)....Soo.. that's that.
Reading it and doing it.

Well..you know

Soo it's been a while since I last posted..And today I'm in a pretty good mood..
And yet I can't seem to find a specific thing I want to write about. Because, there are so many things that I've been thinking about...So I guess I will just start with the one that I was thinking about last night

Some people may not know this but I am doing the jail ministry with Fran Aldridge..
And it's been amazing.. I can't begin to explain how great it is to see how God has used us in the jail. Anyhow, last night, one of the ladies was sentenced to spend some time in prison..but anyhow I just wanted to cry..I saw Christ in her and how much she has such a passion for the Lord..I mean, like everyone, she has her struggles..but i can see how much she has grown since she first started coming to the bible studies.. Like Fran said, she'll have such a huge ministry with the women in prison. I'm sure it'll be hard but..man, she's got such a great attitude about it.. I guess that leads me to the other thought a I had about jail and prison and such..
I guess I can't really imagine what it would be like to be in jail..Because we go there and teach..but at 7:30 we get to walk out of those doors....I can see how it would be frustrating or irritating at times to just want to get out of there soo bad..especially with all of those women. Fran brought a quote for the women to keep from Chuck Swindoll about "Attitude" ..ha, man they loved that.. Especially when it says "That life is 10% what happens to me and 90% is how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitude"
they thought it was neat..and so did I.. but yeah..


And man, I love spending time with those women in there..One of them said last night that it was a blessing to her that Fran and I came...and I just wanted to cry and tell her how much of a blessing it was to be sitting there with them...I can see their hearts, and how much they yearn for the Word of God. I've been truly blessed to be involved in this ministry with Fran. She's also been an amazing leader and teacher to those women, and to me..
Soo that's what has been on my mind recently.. Just a jumble of random thoughts and feelings..
One more thing..I'm glad to be here. I know the Lord has me here for a reason..a purpose. I'm just so thankful.. Soo ummm yeah..
Hope ya'll have a Happy Thanksgiving!

-haha ya'll

Last night I read Amy's blog..and it made me cry and sad in so many ways. I cry, because I hate that cancer is something that she might have..and I don't want that for her..and I hate that I can't be around to be that friend to her..All I can do is pray for her..Not that 'just praying' is bad..but when you used to have a friend that you cared so much about and something so serious occurs in their life, and you can't be there for them..It really sucks... and I think of so many friendships that I miss and how much I've missed out on. I hate not being apart of their lives..I know I can still pray for them and love and care for them..But what specifically can I pray for? how do I show them I love them? How do I show them I care? without offending them or not give them enough space.
I talked with Carrie last night about lots of these things..and she gave me some great encouragement and advice..I appreciate her friendship more than ever..and It made me realize how much I aprreciated my former friendships too. I think God has so much more healing and fixing to do in my soul. And like Amy said in her blog..I too need to trust in Him and always pursue a peace within HIM.
It's times like these is when I realize how much I need my Lord so much..Like a child to its mother..as a sheep to its shepherd.
I don't know why I felt like sharing..Guess it has been something that has been on my mind..

That Sunday morning

Here are some of those pictures that I took that Sunday morning..
My Father is so amazing..

Good Morning

Well.. I woke up sort of early this morning..Ohh maybe around 6:08 ish, somewhere around there. But, I got up and I went outside with my bible and journal in hand..Sat in the swing chair ..and it was a slight bit chilly out so I brought a blanket..I sort of had a date with the Lord..Anyhow, it was so beautiful. I watched the sunrise through the trees..sigh.. It was so beautiful.. But I read, I spent some time with the Lord and I went back and read Genesis 45-47..Just re-reading about Joseph.. Pretty good stuff. After I was finished reading, I couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful it was outside..So I just sat in the chair for a while and decided I would get my camera and take some pictures.. I really enjoyed it and I got to spend some more time with the Lord while doing so.. It's like I missed him and haven't talked with him in a while..Like visiting with a friend that I hadn't seen in a while.....While surely that wasn't the case.. But it made me see how much I need him, and need to want him more. =) My heart is filled with a peace.. I thank my Lord for such times as these..I need to be with him more throughout my day.. So...as for my random thoughts and feelings... just know that it was a good morning..

Looking Back

I took the time to go back and read other posts that I made. It's funny, because I enjoyed reading them. But I wrote them?? Ha,well...They made me think. I miss that girl, ya know. I miss living in Grandview with Amy, Rachel, Nikki, and Cara..Those were fun times. Sometimes when I go to coffee shops around town it reminds me of Caribou Coffee..and the countless hours I used to spend there reading, studying, or writing..It brings a smile to my face thinking about the memories I have of that place. I guess it is sort of a growing up thing..You look back on things that you enjoyed soo much and wonder where the time went..I can remember the smell of our old apartment=) And the noise of the streets while walking around the neighborhood. I don't think I laughed as hard my entire life, than when I lived there. Amy and I used to laugh and laugh and laugh, mostly about nothing but even laughing at nothing seemed to be funny.
Maya, was our off and on pet dog that Nikki would bring home from her parents house. Nikki was fun..She always watched really cool movies and would wear really cute stuff..She was hilarious too, I do remember laughing quite a bit with her. Rachel was funny because she never came out of her room.. She studied a lot but when she came out there was always something interesting going on in her life or in her studies..Cara was fun too.. I enjoyed some of our conversations on the floor near the kitchen and in the kitchen, and talking about family, school, and guys of course..One time we chatted online and we were sitting right next to each other on the couch..Haha..Those were some fun times..God blessed me with some of the best roomates..And now all except on has gotten married=) But its a time I don't think I'll ever forget..

Morning SHOUTS

This morning I awoke to a beautiful beam of light, piercing through my window onto my wall..My wall has a mirror on it, so therefore the light reflected off of the mirror and onto my face. It was 6:45 in the morning and I could not go back to sleep..The light was soo beautiful and I was amazed by it..The light consisted of an amber richness with a golden hue..It was truly remarkable..As the sun continued to rise so did the light and it moved ever so slowly on my wall..Eventually away from my face.
It was a great wake up call..As if God were waking me and telling me to get up.

My mind raced , I thought of a million things.. If I wrote everything I thought it might be as long as the harry potter series..But I also prayed and spoke with the Lord..and it was good..I enjoyed it ever so much.

this was random, but it has been lingering in my head all day...

Sin

I was looking at myspaces and facebooks today..Also thinking about lots of stuff.
I was thinking about my friends, the ones I have, the ones that are gone, and just the others that sort of aren't there anymore..
And I started to think about how amazing it is when something soo traumatic can happen, and it can change lives, views...hearts. I thought about sin. How it can seem to do the same thing.

This morning I saw three cars get pulled over for speeding..I myself, a few weeks ago commited the same crime. Are we not sinning while speeding?
Cursing..Yeah..That also seems to sneak its way to the tip on my tounge...
Gossip......used to be a huge struggle for me in middle and high school..
It is simple everyday stuff right?? Like..
"hey it's okay they are small sins..nothin big?? I mean it's not like I'm gay, or killing people or sleeping around with somebodys husband.."

Why is it that we as humans, flesh, sinners, find it okay to put labels on which sin is worse than others..Isn't it ultimately up to God to be the judge of that..I mean, He's already said it is all same in his eyes..Every sin we do is sin against God..Our Father..
I would never purposely hurt my earthly father..Why hurt my Heavenly Father??
It's crazy how sin works..
It can change lives, views, and hearts..
But we can choose what we do after we sin. We can either confess it, change our mindset and attitude..Or..confess and keep on doin it.
What are you gonna do?


I decided to put this song on here..Because I liked it and I love the whole message of it..

Hey lady sitting by yourself
I can hear them say
You don’t belong here
If your man’s away
Cause we believe in a love
That has no end
So you can either tough it out
Or you can live in sin

Just when I start to think they’ve got it all wrong
That’s when I realize the truth

Maybe they’re right
You don’t belong here
You deserve to be where there are people who care
Instead of a world
That shouts from the high road
Saying “We love like God but you don’t belong here”

Hey you with the rainbow flag
I can hear them say
You don’t belong here
Not if you’re gay
Although we all fall short
I guess some still believe
Some people can fall too far
For grace to reach

Just when I start to think they’ve got it all wrong
That’s when I realize the truth

I’m not trying to decide whats right or wrong
I don’t think that job is up to me
But they’re selling passports to the gates of kingdom come
Like they’re the ones who hold the key
But they’re not

Hey you hanging on the cross
Is it really true
When they say we don’t belong
You’ve been there too
You were a friend to the prostitutes
You were a friend to thieves
All for that your blood was shed
On calvary

Just think about it..

How awesome

It's late...I have to work in 11 hours..I could go to bed and get some sleep...Still have to get up early and do the usual "grown up" things. Today was weird. I was super emotional, my thoughts were running rampant. Thoughts of Logos, my mom, my dad, the kids at Hargis.. I wanted to cry soo many times and yet my Lord comforted me every time. Gosh, I can't even explain what it was that I was feeling.....Whatever it was I didn't like it. The day got better, I spent 20 mins with my kids talking about 1 John 1:9 and God's righteousness....I can't really explain everything I said to them.. but man, they got it.......I mainly talked about that to them because, I , myself was having problems with getting into fellowship that day. God is soo crazy..I love it. After I set it aside( my out-of-fellowship-ness) and I let him use me, He reached out to those kids..It wasn't me, it was all about Him..His glory..I wonder about Paul the Apostle..How he felt in times like these..
I just feel like rambling because this is how I feel..Paul used to be Saul..Who killed Christians, didn't believe in Christ, thought he was a fake..And God put him on his face and showed him Christ..literally..... AND CHANGED Saul to Paul and ......the rest is history..So to speak. Look how God used Paul..He went from killing Christians to becoming one himself..God transformed Paul. He became an apostle for the Lord! It is soo amazing to me....To live by the sword you must die by the sword..and that's exactally what Paul did. He befriended people,they betrayed him, led them to Christ, was persecuted for it, made a few mistakes here and there, but God was with him every step of the way...Crazy..How awesome is our God..

Accomplishments

Yeah..I for some reason was inspired to post another blog. Possibly about nothing, but it really is the thought that counts. So, it's Saturday, and I feel like I've accomplished nothing today. I went to the mall today to pick up some things and I did that, but once again, not a huge accomplishment. Ohhh..But there is one thing I did get to enjoy today that I haven't had since Ohio...Chipotle..Yes, thats right, I said CHIPOTLE..Alabama finally decided to invest in a restaraunt that everyone from all over the country would like. I think it might be the last state to build one...Haven't researched that, but I might take the time to look it up..Maybe that might be my accomplishment of the day? ............Nah. Then I would really be lame. Ohh well..
I actually don't know what I am trying to accomplish.. Maybe it's how many times I can't type the word accomplishment in a blog? Or doing my laundry, cleaning my room, cleaning my car??? Who knows..Ha. Ohh me.

Let me know

Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cuz I feel so defeated, and I'm feeling alone
and it all seems so helpless
and i have no plans
I'm a plane in the sunset
with no where to land
And all I see is it could never make me happy
And all my sand castles spend their time collapsing
Let me know that hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
and let that be enough
It's my birthday tomorrow
No here could know I was born this Thursday 22 years ago
and I feel stuck watchin history repeating
yeah well am I just a kid whose needy
Let me know that you hear me
let me know your touch
let me know that you love me
and let that be enough